Hey.
I decided not to blog about the weekend. Instead, I'm blogging about myself today. I'm not sure why it happened, but it just did. I just suddenly had enough of everything that was happening, everything that has happened, every single issue and every single event that I've gone through, and I decided I needed a change. I've never stopped blaming myself for things that happen, and I realised maybe everything that has happened, and is happening, is, and has always been, because of what I always say, what I always do, how I always react, what I've always been, how I always think, ended up in the way I did not want it to be, and I guess I had enough after today. It wasn't something major, it wasn't towards one or two people, it was against everything, but it wasn't anyone or any person to begin with, just everything. Everything would be events, not humans nor actions. Just events.
I was born as someone who had expectations. Its not as if everyone isn't without expectations. Its just that because of my childhood, I grew up expecting not much of studies, of myself, to give myself the more easy way out, to expect lesser out of everything in life, except from the people around me. Perhaps it could commonly be viewed that I'm just too carefree, about every single thing in life that passes my way, all except for the things I hold close to me, or the people who I regard highly. I've never spoken to anyone about this, but my childhood wasn't exactly the brightest or nicest one to hear. Everyone had their fair share of problems, but I clearly and forever will remember that when I was in Primary school, I was a prefect then, and I had an expectation of myself. I wanted to be the head Prefect, I wanted to excel in that aspect of leadership. I did every nice thing to show that I was capable, and that I would be able to assist in helping the teachers. I thought I did the right thing. I was wrong. Everyone viewed me in a different way, thought I was a bootlicker, and outcasted me, bullied me in every way, and perhaps changed my life. I guess it was because of that, I realised how things seem to go wrong when I expected something out of myself, and I just stopped. I stopped expecting myself to fight for stuff, to learn to be contented with whatever I have, to be the happy-go-lucky, and never every expect anything out of myself. I grew worse.
The years to come, I became much worse. Its hard to explain in exact detail, but it just wasn't right. I guess my other major turning point had to be during my army years when Dad went to China and left us here to fend for ourselves. I realised I did not want to be the way I was, I realised I wanted to give everything I can and more to heling my family. It wasn't easy giving up the ideas or dreams I had for myself to make this family move and function, but I did it because I had to, and I never really regretted, but during this change, I wouldn't deny that there were times I felt depressed and unhappy with myself. I was also upset that I had conflicts with friends, I realised some misunderstood me, others took me for granted, so basically at home was unhappy, outside with friends was equally bad at times. I'm not sure when or how, but I started surpressing my feelings, trying my best to not show my unhappiness unless I couldn't take it, not to throw my temper, and ony telling those close to me how I truly feel. No matter how depressed I was I would try not to show it, and tell myself to look for happy occasions. I came up with this theory that I could accept any bad thing that comes my way, if it was from people I did not care about I wouldn't even get myself involved, and just brush it away, but those who did matter who affect me to the max, and I would always tell myself to endure every thing that comes along, and look forward to happy occasions like birthdays or Christmas, occasions when I could "drop my guard" and just don't have to endure anything and be happy. But, as usual, this was a BAD idea as well, and I grew to have this habit of expecting more out of people who I regard highly in my life.
Because of the expectations I have for others, things never seem to turn out well, and when I get unhappy with people not living up to my expectations, the people whom I regard highly have different views on me. I was always unhappy because of this expectations which I set, and I realised people developed views on me. I also found out that while I was "easy-going", some took advantage and took me for granted, while others said I was "too nice". I was angry at times, and easy at times, and I never really took a stand in what I really am, be it too nice or easily angered, and never took a stand in what I believe in. I hate the feeling of being misunderstood, and being taken for granted.
Things happen for a reason. I don't blame anyone for having a bad perception of me, because I wasn't even good in the past. But perhaps I decided its time to change myself for the better. Its time I perhaps not comment about everything unhappy all the time, because certain comments only made the people close to me feel worse about me. I decided to change, and at the same time guard myself, and tell myself not to give in to everyone all the time anymore. I would stop having expectations of everyone close to me, but keep it low, and if possible only expect some level from those who appreciated me, while making sure I expect myself to give out more then I expect out of others. And following these expectations, I would also make sure I cater more to those who cared than those who did not.
Call me fragile, call me stupid, I also came out with this idea that I'll change myself so much, that in the future, perhaps only the people truly close would see the "crazy ken", I just decided to change and kick out the bad habits, but I wouldn't expect or show so much of myself up front unless I felt appreciated next time.
I'm pretty sure because I suck at English plus I suck at expressing myself, hence, me sounding so confused during this whole entry. Haha. Sorry, I'll try to change and improve my English as well. Haha.
There, I've said my piece, just wanted to type out whatever I felt about everything in general. I hereby clarify I did not mention names, nor did I say who I'm unhappy about, just as I mentioned at the start, its more of the events that are happening in my life with work, colleagues, friends, family, life in a whole. So I truly hope no one will link to themselves with this sudden entry, I strongly point out once again, it is NOT aimed towards people, but events and my life as a whole that's all. Please don't get the wrong idea at all. Haha and I'm still totally understanding about everything. Just like what Tong says, I'm still and forever giving people the benefit of doubt, so I'm not changing this part of me either.
I need to sleep. I'm feeling damn shag.
